Baller cars suitable for balling in a not-so balling small town
The NFL draft is over and hundreds of rookies have made their way to the headquarters of NFL teams all across the nation. Several drafted and undrafted young men are heading to Titletown, USA to see if they can make a splash in the National Football League’s smallest market. If they make the cut the league minimum for a rookie in 2015 was $435,000. Let’s assume each of those players has either multiple mortgages or at least rent in Green Bay and a mortgage someplace else. They will also have family and likely a small entourage to take care of, so we are setting a responsible budget that their agents and financial planners could agree to. You have $70,000 to spend on the best garage for an NFL rookie in Green Bay, Wisconsin.
(We chose Green Bay because it is both America’s team and the best team of anything in history ever)
- One around town car
- One posing car for driving to Lambeau Field on gameday
- One car for Mama
- Cars must have asking/sold prices that equal 70k or less total
- Extra money can be spent on toys or more cars
1969 Chevrolet Camaro SS
Football is one of the most physical sports in the world. Unless you are a kicker, strength and power are essential to your success. Why wouldn’t that translate to my garage? A Nissan 300zx says “I’m a child” and a Bentley Continental GT is pageantry. I bet Jeff would wear the sash and crown in that glitz-mobile. A 1969 Chevrolet Camaro SS is objectified muscle. It is strength.
2012 Jeep Wrangler Rubicon
Durable and adaptable the Jeep Rubicon lets you have the best of any season. In winter, put the hardtop on and park it on top of snowbanks. In summer, take everything off and enjoy the elements. Jeeps are everywhere so this 2012 Rubicon isn’t attention seeking and with four doors all my stupid friends can adventure with me.
2008 Mercedes Benz S550 4matic
Mama deserves nothing but the best, and when I sign my next contract she will get just that. For now, she will get the best that 2008 could offer. A Mercedes S550 is safe, luxurious and still looks good. Plus, it has enough space for her tennis racquets and three alpacas.
2005 Ducati 999
There isn’t a lot to go with this, I love that it looks like a Bat-bike, sounds like a dragon, and moves along plenty fast enough to be entertaining.
2011 Ford F-150 SVT Raptor
The Ford Raptor has a certain je ne sai quoi. Off-road prepped pickups are not uncommon, but the Raptor is a testament to the superiority of a factory adorned monster. And while you’d typically need to be what the French call les incompetent to fork over the large stack of bills required to purchase one, there is not a more fitting car for posing in a small midwest town than a big, flashy truck. In towns like these, the right pickup truck is a supercar.
I’m guessing the other Burbbble dopes picked some sort of look-at-me car to be seen in and this is because they are very stupid. These cars will be driven around Green Bay, Wisconsin, not Miami. The looks you will get with 22’s on your Bentley are going to be colder than a January 1st game against the Bears. Not to mention the crap you will get from veteran teammates in the locker room. Be sensible and spend way too much on a used pickup truck.
1990 Nissan 300ZX Twin Turbo
I’m calling it. The Nissan 300ZX is the best Japanese super coupe of its generation. If you are an NFL rookie, you were likely around 5 years old when the Fast and the Furious came out, which means you’ve grown up with the ridiculous number of sequels in the series. Sure, it is a little embarrassing to be seen driving to Lambeau Field in, but that’s what the Raptor is for. Then, when you fancy a summer B-road blast up the coast of the bay, you can pop off the T-Tops and pretend Vin Diesel is waiting for you to lift some high-end VCRs.
2006 Lexus RX 400h
What can I say about a Lexus RX hybrid other than if you don’t care about cars, need something well-built, practical, reliable, and economical…. Lexus built a smallish SUV for you. The RX400h won’t break down on mother and offers just enough badge to let her yogalate friends know that her boy is accomplishing things.
2003 Honda Aquatrax
You’ve got a truck, a little spare cash and lots of water around you, what do you do? Pick up a jet ski on craigslist and a couple friends. A turbocharged jet ski. Sure, Honda had to recall these jet skis because fuel tanks were leaking and causing explosions while out on the water, but I’m sure your agent talked to you about life insurance.
2006 Bentley Continental GT
The Bentley Continental is a futbaler’s car. This is a fact. It’s a grade-A, premiership futbal car. Wayne Rooney, David Beckham… other futbal players. They all drive Continental GTs. This one even comes with the gaudy rims pre-installed. (Wait- What? What’s football? Isn’t that what I was talking about?) Well anyway. It’s good at posing, just like you during your sponsored photo shoots. And since you’re only a rookie living off a mere $435k salary, you can save some money by buying VW Phaeton parts when your Continental GT starts breaking down.
2004 Dodge Ram 1500 Rumble Bee
Really, this was the next best thing since Ram SRT-10s were out of budget. It is still large, yellow and rumbly. The giant yellow bumble bee badges on the sides and stitched into the seats will help keep the average NFL rookie low-key around town. Pickup trucks are also practical for getting groceries and hauling around a bunch of footballs. My tumbly is rumbly at the thought of tasting the honey of this sweet, yellow truck.
1963 Airstream Land Yacht
Fer me mah! She don’t get out much, plus she got a bit o’ 60s style. Ya like dahgs?